First The Mystic, Then The Witch -- Who’s Next?
A HIDDEN LOCATION SOMEWHERE IN NEOPIA CENTRAL - Ah, the ever-deepening mysteries
of Neopia. A few weeks ago, one of Neopia's most famous guy in diapers took
a little dip. No, I'm not talking about Boochi getting a new swimming pool.
The 'guy in diapers' was none other than the Mystery Island Mystic -- hated
by the sane, and loved by the not-so-sane (like me, for instance). By 'little
dip', I was referring to his unfortunate, accidental plunge into the Mystery
Island Cooking Pot. From a weird guy with diapers, he turned into a weird Kyrii
with diapers. His transformation, however, has not stopped him from spouting
nonsensical predictions of the future, concerning events, which unsurprisingly,
never actually happen.
Then, a short while later, Edna the witch, resident warty-nosed green witch
of the Haunted Woods, happened to fall into her cauldron. When she emerged,
she was a not-so-warty, but nonetheless green, Zafara. My first reaction to
these two mysteriously coincidental events was "Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!! Somehow
all large pots and cauldrons are forcing us to fall into them!!!". I then promptly
hid inside my closet for a week, in order to hide from the invading evil pots.
My pets, under the false impression that if I came out, a radioactive tap-dancing
pineapple with optional drink holders would appear and grant me three and a
half wishes, then coaxed me out. No such luck, unfortunately.
But back to issue at hand. Within a relatively short period of time, two relatively
well-known humanoid Neopian celebrities had fallen into large cooking vessels,
transforming them into Neopets. Also, quite a loooong time ago, when Maraqua
was destroyed, the Kitchen Quest Chef (who was this pink lobster thingy at the
time) disappeared, only to resurface at Mystery Island, magically transformed
into a Flotsam. He probably fell into his cooking pot as Maraqua was being demolished.
I think it's only reasonable to expect that someone else will soon suffer the
same fate. *Neopets in background stare at him menacingly* Ummm, did I say 'suffer'?
*Swallows nervously* What I meant to say was 'enjoy'. Yes, 'enjoy' the fate
of being a Neopet. *Chuckles nervously*.
So, here are a few celebrities whom I think will next magically transform into
Neopets, probably by way of large pots or cauldrons.
The Tiki Tack Tombola Man - Well, he's humanoid, lives near a large, magical
cooking pot, and wears garish Hawaiian shirts. I'm not sure what the last point
has to do with him turning into a Neopet, but the others definitely do. His
mask also adds more risk to his already precarious position in the 'next-to-transform'
list. I mean, it's quite likely that with his limited field of vision to his
mask, that he might accidentally walk into a, say, pit, hole or large cooking
pot. Or his mask might slip over his eyes completely, making the likelihood
of a nasty accident even more likely. Scary, huh? Let this be lesson to all
of you- don't walk around on tropical islands that have magical cooking pots
lying around, especially when wearing a gold mask that restricts your field
of vision. Oh, and I almost forgot - NEVER wear Hawaiian shirts which have been
designed by someone who's colour-blind, as the Tiki Tack Tombola obviously does.
Neopet the Tiki Tack Tombola Man will probably turn into: A Quiggle. Painted
a distorted rainbow colour, in order to imitate the Hawaiian shirt.
The Soup Faerie - She works all day next to a large pot. Duh! The risk is obvious!
Of course, that fact that the pot contains only soup somewhat lessens the risk
of turning into a Neopet, should anyone fall in, but there is still a definite
risk. After all, the pot does magically regenerate soup once it's all been finished,
so it's obviously magical. Or maybe the soup is the magical element in all of
this, not the pot. Anyway, my point is this: the Soup Faerie, after a long day
slaving away dishing out soup to the hungry, needy, impoverished, and pets-whose-owners-are-too-greedy-and-selfish-to-buy-food,
is obviously going to be fatigued. As well as have a mighty painful cramp in
her arm from ladling out the soup. And a sore voice from yelling to the pets
to not cut the queue and to stay in line. She really should get a megaphone,
you know. Or at least a Trumpet Of Deafening. So, she might not be as careful
as usual, and accidentally trip on a conveniently placed pink Babaa, landing
herself in hot water. I mean, hot soup. Not only would this scald you pretty
badly, it might transform her into some species of Neopet. Oooohhhhh, scary.
Neopet the Soup Faerie will probably turn into: Well, something that can easily
hold a ladle. A Mynci? Possibly a Scorchio, to help heat the soup pot?
Jhudora and Illusen- Well, you may think that they have no magical pots and
pans lying about, but if so, where do they brew up their Caustic Potions and
Honey Potions? What, you think they cook 'em up in empty coconut shells? I don't
Jhudorah will probably turn into: Who knows? Whatever is the naturally most
evil Neopet, I guess. Painted Halloween, mutant or Darigan, probably. Neopet
Illusen will probably turn into: Something cute and cuddly. A green Kacheek
or Shoyru maybe.
The Neopets Staff - I personally think this unlikely, but hey, you never know!
Neopets members of the Neopet's Staff will probably turn into: Huh, they'll
probably invent a new species just so they can transform into something really
Doctor Frank Sloth - Hey, he may be technologically advanced, but his waging
of the Lost Desert War plainly reveals he isn't afraid to use magic when it
comes in handy. He would probably have some type of pot stashed somewhere or
other, in order to cook up his Transmogrification Potions. It probably has a
really flashy name too, like the Cookermatic 2000 or some such. Oooohhhh, aaaaahhhh!
Neopet Dr. Sloth will probably turn into: A Mynci. He'll need those dextrous
digits to manipulate technological thingamajigs. A Mynci with a really, really,
really bad haircut, might I add.
The Brain Tree - Hah, you're probably wondering how the heck the Brain Tree
could possibly fall into a magical pot, being rooted in the ground and all (but
obviously not rooted too deep, as he can somehow make his way to the Battledome
to fight Neopets). Well, according to the universally accepted map of the Haunted
Woods, the Brain Tree isn't too far from Edna. And her tower, which is meant
to be near Edna, can't be seen. Why? It's behind the Brain Tree! Duh! And if
Edna is anywhere as near as grumpy as other witches, she'll have no qualms giving
ruined concoctions the ol' heave ho out her tower window, possibly onto the
Brain Tree. And if the handle is wet, maybe the cauldron will fly out the window
too, landing on the Brain Tree! Okay, so maybe the cauldron won't fly out the
window, but the magical potions should be enough to transform the Brain Tree
into a Neopet.
Neopet the Brain Tree will probably turn into: A mutant Kacheek. Just the whole
abnormally-enlarged-brain thing can stay consistent. And so I come to the end
of this article. Hopefully, you will be somewhat enlightened on this subject,
or if not, at least you haven't gotten dumber. Hopefully. Just kidding.
Author's note: I can't believe I mentioned the word 'snazzy' in an article.
Whoa, someone must have put something in my morning Borovan!