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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 17th day of Sleeping, Yr 23
The Neopian Times Week 96 > Articles > Neopian's Guide to the Unthinkable, Yet Asked Questions

Neopian's Guide to the Unthinkable, Yet Asked Questions

by beau_lis

NEOMAIL BOX - Being a member of the Neopian community for a while, I have come across a wonderful group of rare Neopians. This group is so amazingly talented that they can bring the most accomplished Neopian to a state of speechless amazement! In fact, one Neomail from this rare breed of Neopian and you will find yourself speechless as well. Maybe even in tears (from laughter) at the astounding logic of their Neomails.

I feel it is my duty to let all of Neopia know about this rare breed of a Neopian. This way, you will be prepared should you be lucky enough to have an encounter with them. The following is a bit of a guide as to what a rare breed may ask you and what has worked for me during my encounters with this rare breed.

Question: ‘Can I have free stuff?’ ~ Now I believe this to be the most common Neomail among this rare breed’s vocabulary. If they are advanced in their asking, then they may even ask for a certain item worth over 100,000 Neopoints.

Answer: What I have found to work for me in these situations was to speak honestly with them. I simply let them know that, “Of course you can! Just bow down on your knees, raise your arms in the air and pray to the free stuff master!”

Question: ‘Why are your prices too high in your shop? I’m going to report you to Neopets and they’ll freeze you!” ~ This is a question/statement combo in which we can see how this rare breed’s logic is formed. To be honest, this rare breed is simply letting me know that they are displeased by my lack of compassion for having a gallery instead of accidentally under pricing my items so they can buy them.

Answer: In this instance, the best solution is to inform them that what you have is a GALLERY and that means what you have in your shop marked over 100,000 Neopoints is not currently for sale. Also, direct them to the section in your shop where it says ‘items in shop are not for sale’ and then to the news page where it weekly announces the ‘GALLERY SPOTLIGHT’. If they still insist on reporting you for owning a gallery, then encourage this rare breed to do so because the Neopets staff needs a good laugh.

Question: ‘Look at all those (…) you have! That isn’t fair! You cheated! Give me some!’ ~ This would probably be the most annoying Neomail that you will get from the rare breed. Once again, we need to read between the lines here. What they are really saying is that I have no desire to play the games or accomplish anything on the site. So I’m going to Neomail as many Neopians as I can to bug them about their accomplishments.

Answer: You would need to be really careful with answering this rare breed. Any kind of movement on your part may cause this rare breed to become aggressive and attack. It may be best to ignore this Neomail completely. If they write back, keep ignoring them because it obviously bugged them that you didn’t respond in the first place.

Question: 'Other than playing games, shops and stocks, how can I earn some quick NP?' ~ This is always the question that truly amazes me. One might expect other questions, but this… this is a badly prepared hint for ‘free stuff’ covered in question number one.

Answer: There are two ways to respond to this. You can either go with the answer in question number one or you can totally ignore them because you can already see that they have no comprehension of where they actually are.

Question: ‘Wow! How did you get all those trophies?’ ~ This is what I like to call the ‘obvious question’. It can also come in the form of ‘Did you get that trophy for playing that game or for writing in The Neopian Times or for…?’

Answer: As much as you probably would LOVE to answer back with an ‘obvious answer’ aka sarcasm, try to restrain yourself as best as you can and just respond with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Most likely this rare breed will write you back, but this particular one is harmless enough.

Question: ‘How do you become a Neomillionaire?’ ~ This is your basic information question with a twist of a possible request for an ‘item’ hidden within it.

Answer: Again, the simple approach is the best way to go. “Well, when I become one, I'll let ya know!” And if by chance you are a Neomillionaire, it would probably be in your best interest to keep it to yourself.

Question: ‘I accidentally threw my pet into the pound. Would you please give him back?’ ~ This would be one of the silliest questions asked by a rare breed. If you have EVER placed a pet in the Neopian Pound, then you know that you are asked a good half dozen times if you are sure you want to throw this pet in the pound. You have no choice but to wonder how they managed to accidentally hit the ‘send to pound’ button that many times.

Answer: A common mistake is to ask them how they can ‘accidentally’ hit the button 6+ times to accidentally send their pet to the pound. This will usually evoke several Neomails containing threats of having you frozen for not giving them back their pet. Just know these are useless threats and it’s up to you if you want to give back the pet or not. If their finger is that itchy to hit the pound button so many times, who’s to say that it wouldn’t have ended up in the pound again anyway?

Question: ‘Why haven’t you answered my Neomail yet?’ ~ A rare breed with impatience can be a bit of an annoyance. Especially when they are asking for ‘free stuff’. The rare breed will often send off several Neomails saying things such as, “Did you get my last Neomail?” “Did you get the one that asked for…?” All leading up to the featured question.

Answer: All you can do here is reassure them that you did get their Neomail. However currently, you are involved with answering the first 32 they sent you.

Question: ‘Can I have access to your account/guild admin?’ ~ Yet another question that astounds fellow Neopians with the logic the rare breed has shown.

Answer: This question can be dealt with the oh so subtle hint that this was not the best of questions to ask. You may answer something to the effect of, “By all means, YES! And while I'm at it, here's my password, my account and my other personal information!”

Question: ‘If I don’t get what I want, I’ll quit!’ ~ This question is most often seen in guilds where a rare breed shows off their greed.

Answer: A simple yet effective “Don’t let the door hit ya on the way out” will usually take care of the situation.

Question: ‘Will yelling at me via Neomail accomplish anything?’ ~ This is purely for information sake.

Answer: Honestly answering, yes it will. You will receive a one way trip to the wonderful world of blocked Neopians!

These are just a sample of a few choice Neomails the rare breeds can send out. Some will make you laugh, some will make you angry and some will bring you to speechless amazement. The best advice I can give is to take it in stride and if you chose to respond to them, always make sure to wish these rare breeds a ‘good day!’

Author’s Note: This article was written to add a bit of humor to some real Neopian Neomails received. I am in no way recommending you go out and take on the ‘rare breed’. Many thanks to everyone who supplied me with these examples of the many Neomails that the ‘rare breed’ can send! Please feel free to offer comments.

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