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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 17th day of Sleeping, Yr 23
The Neopian Times Week 96 > New Series > Neomitology, Pant-Devilogy, and Nutty Chocolate Pie: Part One

Neomitology, Pant-Devilogy, and Nutty Chocolate Pie: Part One

by bladen_kerst

“Owwww . . . ”

     Guenhwivaar, a shadow Kougra, frantically pawed through her cloud kitchen. She had searched every other room in her small Mystery Island home, and now the kitchen was her last hope. On the verge of insanity, Guen tore her sharp claws through the fluffy cloud cabinets, not even bothering to open their doors. It had to be here somewhere.

     “Owwww . . . ”

     Guen had come down with the worst case of Neomites in all of Neomitology history. Over the last three days, Bladen, her owner, had given her 46 Neomites Injections. The Kougra knew it was 46 because she wore a bandage, with the Chia Clown’s stupid face printed on it, over each spot the cure had been used. Although the medicine didn’t seem to cure her illness, it did give her temporary relief from the itching.

     “Owwww!” Guen cried as another fiery itch exploded beneath her dark fur. “I can’t take it anymore! Where did Bladen put that Neomites Injection?!”

     Guen surveyed the kitchen she had just destroyed. Every inch of the kitchen’s counter top had been scratched during her brief rampage, her claws leaving shockingly deep grooves, and every one of the cabinets had been slashed as well. The damage wasn’t permanent at least, for the purplish cloud material would soon reform to its original shape. Guen stomped her ebony paws in frustration, walked into her chocolate living room, and slumped into a chair. She then noticed, out of the corner of one amber eye, a slender cylinder containing a emerald liquid.

     “Unbelievable,” muttered Guen. “It’s been sitting on the coffee table the whole time.”

     Still frustrated, but quite relived, she quickly used the Neomites Injection and promptly applied a new Chia Clown bandage.

     “Ahhhh, number 47,” Guen purred, leaning back in her comfortable chair and stretching out her muscular, black legs. Just as she had nodded off, a loud crash startled her back into reality. Reality wasn’t something Guen was particularly fond of. She leapt from her chair and stared in disbelief as a familiar figure shook bits of glass from it’s lovely patterned coat.

     “Guen!” shouted Flare, an island Uni and Guen’s best friend, as she shook away the last shards of glass. “Hi! How are you feeling today?”

     Guen stared at her friend for a long moment. The Uni had done some strange things in her life, so crashing through Guen’s living room window wasn’t so surprising.

     “I still have this terrible case of Neomites, I just used my last shot of Neomite medication, and now I’ll have to explain to my owner why you burst through my window instead of using the front door.” Guen replied sarcastically. “I feel wonderful.”

     “That’s what you get for locking your door, huh?” snapped Flare. Guen rubbed her ebony temples. Could Flare be any more moody?

* * *

Meanwhile, underneath Guen’s dark fur...

     “Ooma-tat-to, ooma-tat-to!” chanted tiny, black figures. “All hail Acari, great Queen of the Neomites!”

     Thousands of the figures, known in Neopia as Neomites, began dancing and bowing around a large Neomite, obviously Acari, the Queen. She sat upon a throne of Guen’s dark fur knotted to make a comfortable seat. She wore bits of aluminum foil, fashioned into a crown, and a garment of plastic wrap covered her bloated, dark belly. She also had a bread tie-scepter clutched in one of her many arms. She found the materials for her royal clothing inside of Guen’s garbage can, but her loyal followers didn’t need to know that. After many minutes of dancing and chanting, all the Neomites settled down, awaiting their Queen’s orders.

     “Yes, yes, quiet down everyone,” the Queen announced to a few rowdy mites still participating in the dance. “I have exciting news. We shall soon set “Help Sir Pant Devil Take Over Neopia” into motion!”

     An excited cheer erupted from the crowd of Neomites.

     “I have spoken to our leader, Sir Pant Devil,” Acari continued, “about our pesky host Guen and her terrible Neomite Injections. Those Injections have decreased our thriving community of millions to mere thousands, and we cannot afford any more losses. Sir Pant Devil has found a solution though. These,”–she motioned toward a few dozen bottles containing a smoky, yellow liquid–“bottles contain a potent elixir that will counter the threat of the Neomite poison.”

     Six unbelievably large Neomites, who were gathered around Acari, began to pass out the elixir to the eager crowd.

     “Now,” continued Acari, “about our plan “Help Sir Pant Devil Take Over Neopia.” Sir Pant Devil has given me instructions to acquire these four ingredients, pigalicious ham, gracklebug brew, onion cola, and a Lemint. I have, with much struggle, acquired these things, but we have a problem. These ingredients must be combined using a heat source, and once combined the smell will attract a rare, but vicious beast, known as the Jelly Chia. My scouts have returned from Guen’s armpit and they have determined that the armpit doesn’t generate enough heat. So, now we must wait. The wait won’t be long, though. Perhaps Guen will cook something, or maybe she will go for a walk when it’s 106 degrees outside. That’s 41 degrees Celsius for you Neomites that just flew in. In any case, we must wait.

     “Once the Jelly Chia shows up,” Acari continued, “we will leave this horrible Kougra and make our new home on it’s fat, jelly belly. We shall torment it with vicious bites and, once it can’t stand any more itching, I will make a deal with it. It must agree to meet with Sir Pant Devil and also be willing to help us take over the world. Only then will we stop the biting. What Neopian would dare stand in the way of the Jelly Chia? The Jelly Chia can dissolve solid stone at will! Not even the Faeries would be able to fight back, especially if we threaten to endanger all of Faerieland! Fluffy clouds are much easier to dissolve than stone.”

     “Queen Acari,” said one fancy-looking Neomite, kneeled at the Queen’s side. “That is indeed a wonderful plan. How did you and Sir Pant Devil come up with it, Your Greatness?”

     A hearty laugh erupted from Acari’s belly. “Well,” she said, giving the Neomites a wicked smile, “Sir Pant Devil wants a powerful beast he can control. He decided powerful beasts could take over Neopia easier than he ever could. He found an interesting article stating those ingredients would produce a smell that attracted the Jelly Chia. As you all know, the Jelly Chia is a terrifying creature, so Sir Pant Devil decided to choose it.”

     “And where, dear Queen,” continued the fancy Neomite, “did Sir Pant Devil find such an informative article?”

     “He found it in “You’re Just Gonna Flip When You Hear This!” a Neopian tabloid.”

     All the Neomites, thrilled with the progress their Queen had made, nodded their silent approval. They had waited so long for this happy news. Acari and Sir Pant Devil had met on several occasions over the last few weeks, discussing different ways of taking over Neopia. The Neomites themselves weren’t sure how Acari had teamed up with Sir Pant Devil, or even how the two were introduced. But when they remembered what life had been like before they lived on this healthy, shadow Kougra, before they had been rallied under Acari’s rule, and even before Sir Pant Devil came along, they realized the small details weren’t important. Never had the Neomites dreamt of such dominance, they just assumed they would spend their days living on unfortunate Neopets, until they were finally destroyed by an awful Neomites Injection. Now, with whispers of power floating easily through the air, the Neomites resumed the crazy dancing and chanting, eagerly awaiting their just reward.

* * *

“Ahhhh!” shrieked Guen.

     “What’s wrong?!” asked Flare as her dark friend began frantically rolling around on the floor. “Are you okay?”

     “No!” shouted Guen. She accidently rolled too close to her coffee table, and got the leg stuck between her jaws. “These mites are itching me like crazy,” she continued, her voice muffled by the large piece of oak in her mouth. “It’s like a Neomite party in my fur!”

     “That’s why I came here today!” announced Flare. “I’ve got the temporary solution to your Neomite mambo! Look!”

     Guen rolled over to face Flare, hopeful her friend would be holding a giant syringe of Neomites medication. Instead, she came face to face with her archenemy, a magazine called “You’re Just Gonna Flip When You Hear This!” “You’re Just Gonna Flip When You Hear This!” happened to be the lamest tabloid in all of Neopia. It normally printed conspiracy stories and weird articles that any sane Neopian would deem as lies. Flare loved the tabloid though, and she read every issue. She always seemed to get some crazy idea from it and she would drag Guen along.

     “Get that thing away from me!” screeched Guen, her shadowy face twisting into a look of panic. Horrible memories of Flare’s crazy ideas popped into her head. One particular memory stood out the most, causing Guen to moan as she relived it. Once, the Uni read that Dr. Sloth had painted himself pink, so she decided to hunt him down and take his picture. Flare figured she could make thousands of Neopoints selling it. She talked Guen into going and they found Dr. Sloth, who had indeed painted himself pink because of an unfortunate accident with Boochi. They didn’t get his picture though. Instead, they almost got maimed. Apparently Dr. Sloth wasn’t expecting any visitors that day. That was just one of the disasters “You’re Just Gonna Flip When You Hear This!” had caused, and Guen wasn’t looking forward to any more.

     “What’s your problem?” snapped Flare. “I’ve found the perfect thing to take your mind off those Neomites. Just let me tell you about it!”

     “No!” shouted Guen. “I’d rather take a flying leap off of Terror Mountain than listen to another one of your schemes!”

     “Well, actually,” muttered Flare, calming herself considerably. “My idea does involve jumping off of Terror Mountain . . . ”

     “Have you lost your–” Guen started.

     “Just kidding!” laughed Flare. “Just kidding! Do you really think I’d be stupid enough to do that?”

     Guen, fully believing her friend could be just that stupid, shook her shadowy head and began rubbing her itchy back against a chair.

     “Look how bad those things are itching you,” cooed Flare. “You need some help, right? Right. Okay. Here’s what we should do. “You’re Just Gonna Flip When You Hear This!" printed an interview with Aletra. You know Aletra, right? That Aisha who has her own cooking show?”

     “Yeah, I know who she is,” replied the Kougra.

     “Well, it says Aletra mentioned doing an anniversary special of “What’s Cooking?” where she selects an audience member to help her cook.”

     “What kind of anniversary special is that?” asked Guen, not believing one word of Flare’s tale. “An anniversary special is supposed to have guest celebrities, free food, and fireworks. Otherwise, no one would even care.”

     “THAT’S NOT THE POINT!” Flare screamed, so loudly all the young neighborhood Neopets ran terrified into their homes. “Anyway,” she continued, “I thought it might be nice if we went to her show. It would be fun, don’t you think?”

     Guen, still scared by the Uni’s unexpected outburst, just nodded her dark head.

     “Just think of it, Guen,” the island Uni mused. “We will be watching the beautiful Aisha whip up a delicious, exotic feast. And we won’t be on your couch watching it this time either! We will be right in front of Aletra! In the same building she films all her shows! Oh, Guen, wouldn’t it be great if we got to lick the spoons? And one of us might even be chosen as her assistant! We could end up on TV, standing right next to Aletra... ” Flare’s voice trailed off as the Uni began daydreaming of what she would say on stage if she was picked.

     “You don’t have to convince me, Flare,” said Guen. “I already agreed to go.” “Here,” replied Flare, handing Guen her copy of “You’re Just Gonna Flip When You Hear This!”. “Read the article about Aletra.”

     “Well,” murmured the shadow Kougra once she had finished reading. “I guess this will be okay. When is the show?”

     “Tonight,” answered Flare.

     “Tonight?” echoed Guen. “Did you order tickets?”

     “I called,” replied Flare, “but they were sold out.”

     Guen began to wonder if her friend had gone insane. She started to ask how they were going to see the show without tickets, but before the Kougra had the chance, Flare reached into her emerald mane and produced two small pieces of paper.

     “I got them because of a random event,” explained the island Uni, noticing Guen’s confused expression.

     “A random event gave you those tickets?” inquired Guen, sceptically.

     “Random, robbed ‘em, what’s the difference?” asked Flare.

     Guen’s ebony jaw dropped. “Are you crazy?!”

     “I’m just kidding!” snapped Flare. “Go get ready!”

* * *

“Did you hear what that Uni said?” Acari asked her loyal Neomites. “She said she and Guen are going to a cooking show tonight! Mwa hah ha! Do you know what that means?!”

     The Neomites looked around at each other for a few moments, then turned back to their Queen, obviously stumped.

     “Cooking means heat!” shouted Acari, not believing the idiots surrounding her. The Neomites just continued to stare, jaws hanging open in confusion. “Heat means combining the ingredients, you fools!” she shrieked. After a simultaneous shrug from her subjects, the Queen sighed, “Combining the ingredients means taking over Neopia.”

     The Neomites started dancing and cheering, savoring the idea that they would soon rule Neopia. The Queen began rubbing her temples as she waited for her ignorant subjects to calm down. One the Neomites had calmed themselves, Acari ordered them to prepare for the coming events. Fifty of the strongest Neomites gathered the ingredients for the Jelly Chia from the furry storage room as Acari went over the details with them a second time.

     “I’ll give the command to jump once we are close enough to a heat source,” she explained. “You must act quickly, the Neopians cannot see us. If they discover what we are doing, they may try to stop us. Once the ingredients have been combined, we shall hide and wait for the fierce Jelly Chia. When it shows up we will inhabit it’s body and bite it until it succumbs. It won’t be able to stop us and eventually it will give in. I will offer to leave it’s body once it agrees to meet with Sir Pant Devil and help him take over Neopia! Try to hurry,” she continued, “you must explain this plan to the other Neomites. Give them another sip of the elixir and tell them to prepare. The time to rule is almost upon us!”

To be continued...

Previous Episodes

Neomitology, Pant-Devilogy, and Nutty Chocolate Pie: Part Two

Neomitology, Pant-Devilogy, and Nutty Chocolate Pie: Part Three

Neomitology, Pant-Devilogy, and Nutty Chocolate Pie: Part Four

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